Open letter to my cats

Open Letter to my Cats.

Snickers, Poseidon, and Houdini's shadow,

It is imperative that you not use my pill bottles as soccer balls. If mommy can't find her pills, mommy can't work and mommy can't buy more catnip. While on this subject, Drool does not inspire me to work. Please stop drooling on my good shirts, I only have 2-3 of them k?

Also, you screaming at me at 5:30 am only means you won't be fed until 9. Out of spite, because I'm a bitch. If you don't wake me at 5:30 you will be fed promptly at 6:45. Which seems like the better deal? Oh! and on that subject, the horseradish is why you don't eat my food. Remember, it burns twice as much on the way out. Isn't that right Poseidon?

My nose is attached to my face, that is where my nose belongs. It will not do any good for you to try to bite it off. This is where the whole biting a nose off to spite a face comes in. If I'm too ugly to work IN A CALL CENTER, you don't get any more catnip. See the logic? If you really want to chew on something I have some letters from bill collectors, chew on those.

Oh, and while I'm at it. Just because there are cats outside that are having frollicking sex lives does not mean YOU have to have one as well. It's called being responsible. I am not food stamps, I don't give you more food if you have more kids. (alright I do feed you more if you are pregnant, but that is because I am a lady)

Oh, and thank you so much for being my kittens. Every time you refuse to let me go to the bathroom alone, I know how much I'm loved.

Thank you
Fridr